


Memories

by Satanisalwayscreaming



Series: Memoirs to the lost [1]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff where???, Gen, I am such an angst for slut stop me, I should be doing my 20 pannel comics and my thesis paper but fuck that, M/M, Maybe okay there might be fluff, There is no death but technically there is, a n g s t, even more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-04 06:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13358769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanisalwayscreaming/pseuds/Satanisalwayscreaming
Summary: Asra clutches the shirt in his hands tightly, burrowing his face in the fabric as he inhales your scent.Julian paces the halls of the palace, his eye distant as he grasps the wedding ring that hangs on his neck.A Countess does not cry. But the tears down her eyes tell her otherwise.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I got inspiration from Blue Square, and honestly it was just too angsty and good to pass up. But the context of this is that you had lost your memories in order to save Vesuvia. Nothing remains, just an empty shell of who you are. 
> 
> This is the 1st chapter of 3.
> 
> 1st being Asra
> 
> 2nd being Julian
> 
> 3rd being Nadia

How could he face you again?

The image burns in his mind, branding itself in his memories and his heart clenches painfully. How can he look at you again?

Blank, empty, completely devoid of life and emotions. 

It was like everything and nothing at the same time. At least when you lost your memories then, you still had your memories of your past. You still had somthing to grasp which was you.

But this time...it was nothing.

You weren't even reacting to the smallest of gestures, you watch everything with a sluggish interest. Words don't click, nothing ilicits a reaction and you were just blankly staring at some piece of art or decoration.

It was heartbreaking, for Asra to see you like this all over again. It broke him to a level he couldn't fully comprehend. He had cried to Nadia and Julian over this, but even they were at a loss on how to deal with you. He spends his time in the palace, but occasionally going back to the shop to check up on everything. Bringing your clothes over and sometimes, when he can't deal with everything, burrowing his face into one of your shirts, crying into it.

Faust, would curl around you all the time, and you would'nt even blink. Portia would try to talk to you, spending a portion of her day to help you with anything and chat about her day to day activities. 

But you weren't reacting. At best, you would walk along, nod your head a bit. Eyes glistening with attention and you would even grace a small smile or frown at the information given. At worst, you were just a vegetable. Immoving, unfeeling, completely dead to the world.

Sometimes there are moments when you do become more active. You'd take a small walk around the halls or visit the gardens. Sometimes you would find someone to join and sit there in their company. 

Portia would find you occasionally sitting on a stone bench or on the ground, a few feet from her and you would watch her work. Nadia would find you sometimes in the parlor listening to her play and sit there keeping her quiet company. Julian would see you in the library, hands caressing the spines of the books you pass by, brows furrowed as you walk around before leaving.

But they know they weren't who you were looking for. It was like a tug in your heart, something deep in your chest that gently leads and guides you to find him.

Asra.

You would find him sometimes at the heart of the garden, resting underneath a tree eyes distant. Other times you would find him leaning on the balustrade on the balcony over looking the garden.

But among all those times, you can see his expression. The way the hurt and the pain dances in his violet eyes, the way your presence causes him to tense up. Unlike the others, he doesn't try to make conversation, and leaves a silence between the two of you that's unbearable but at the same time welcome.

Usually when your with him, you feel something stirring inside you, something you can't explain. It drives away the blankness, the loneliness, but it drives it in deeper as well.

Your memories, are gone. Your literally nothing and you can't bring yourself to care at times and it makes you feel so lost, so confused. Information dances in your head. You know that Countess Nadia was the ruling figure in Vesuvia, you know how to use things, how to make things work.

But the people behind it are nothing, it's a blank. 

But with him, with him it feels like you know him. You feel like you knew everyone in the palace once upon a time, but with him, the feeling goes even deeper. It was something you couldn't shake off, it was something ingrained in you that it felt like a fact. An eternal, never dying fact.

You knew him.

So when you catch him on the balcony, eyes closed, leaning against the balustrade with his white hair billowing in the soft gentle breeze, you found something you thought you lost.

Your voice.

"I knew you," You say barely above a whisper.

His eyes snap open, and he looks at you, conflicted emotions running rampant as he tries to school his expression. 

"I knew you," You repeat again, feeling something stir inside. 

"What do you remember?" He asks, his voice so broken, so raw, filled with so much emotions. "What do you remember about me?"

"Nothing," You reply and you try to stop your heart from squeezing when you see how crestfallen and broken he looked from that statement.

There was silence, and he turns away, his back facing you as he stares out across the balcony. 

"You wer--are special to me," He says softly, quietly his words dancing lightly as if he was afraid to say too much. "Sometimes when I see you, maybe I can pretend that...everything is okay. That I didn't loose you," But the unspoken 'Again' hangs in the air.

Something squeezes in your heart, and just like yesterday, and the days to come, you hate yourself for not remembering. For causing this much pain to a person who doesn't deserve it. 

But you have no words to give, no empty promises, no false comfort, because you know you know nothing. Quietly, you slip away, walking back to your room. Your mind in turmoil as you try to think of what to do.

Unaware of the tears streaming down his face as he whispers your name.


	2. Julian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly headcanon that Julian would marry the apprentice or at least keep a promise ring of sorts for them. So here is Julian!

Julian couldn't breathe.

The world just got colder and darker at the same time and he feels so weak, so helpless. If he could just punch the darkness and the pain away, he would. But this was something the doctor couldn't cure.

When he had come into your room to check up on you, the unabashed joy he felt to see you sitting was quickly replaced by pain. Your eyes...were so blank. You looked straight through him, as if he wasn't there, as if he was nothing. If Julian had been who he was, before he met you, he would have gone out of the room and cried, lamenting his fate about how he was never destined to find happiness.

But he wasn't that Julian anymore.

He got better, he strives to accept that he was worthy of love, worthy of good things. He worked hard every day to make sure he never went back to being in the dark place that he was in all those years ago.

So with determination, he enters the room fully, taking the chair at the foot of your bed.

Your eyes followed him, trailing his movements. It hurts him, seeing you so empty, a husk of who you are. Gone was the light that lit up in your eyes when you saw him and the smile that chased away the darkness.

But he doesn't give up hope.

"Hi," He says softly, his voice gentle, as if coaxing.

You blink at him, and the blankness in your gaze just felt wrong. It felt unnatural and he wanted nothing more to scoop you in his arms, cradle you and tell you everything is going to be okay.

Slowly, you tilt your head at him, "Hello," You reply back. 

It sounded monotonous, and it sends a shiver down his spine. This wasn't the person he fell in love with. But he damn well won't leave you alone. He never will.

"I'm Julian," He says with a little chipper in his tone. "I'm your--," He pauses, and suddenly the wedding ring on his finger seems ominous, pressing, constricting. "Your good friend,"

You nod, his words the only thing that combats the space in your mind. Your heart on the other hand tugs, sparking a feeling that you try to grasp, but it slips away like sand in your fingers.

"Do...do you know your name?" He asks hesitantly.

You shake your head. You don't know your name, and it doesn't really bother you. There is something blocking the feeling, maybe it's shock, maybe it's the confusion or maybe it was just something you couldn't bring yourself to care about at all.

But the way he acts, his fidgeting, the way he looks at you with such a soft adoring gaze, it makes something stir inside you. It sparks a feeling, a certain emotion that sends the cold and numb away.

"You said we were friends," You say with a small amount of conviction. Julian immediately looks up at you, the expression of joy and hope twinkling in it. He looked so eager, so excited, it made your heart squeeze. "How did we become friends?"

The amount of pain and the crestfallen look he has on his face makes you wish you could remember all the more. But he takes in a deep breath, and looks at you, his one eye shining in the afternooon light.

"That's a long story, but we have time,"

 

So he spends every day, talking with you. There were times when you would grow quiet, eyes distant, as if you were seeing things he couldn't see. But even when you were in those moments, he wouldn't leave. 

Always, without fail, he would sing your (former) favourite songs, and would always spend at least a few hours walking around the palace with you.  
Every day, you would also be visited by Portia, his sister, and just like Julian she was happy and full of life and sunshine. She would bring her cat, Pepi, and you can't help but love the adorable cat as it clambers along the room.

She'd invite you to garden, and sometimes you would accept, and sometimes Julian would go with the 2 of you. Occasionally the Countess would be there, helping and stealing Portia away for a few minutes.

You don't mind, the garden was nice and whether you were with Julian or not, it was a refreshing place to be in.

But as much as Julian seemed happy and chipper when your around, you notice the sad glint in his eye, the way his eye would grow distant when he shows you something and you shake your head.

You don't know how he cries himself to sleep at night, hugging a pillow that faintly smells like you, whispering your name while saying 'I love you,'. You don't know that he spends hours upon hours pouring over medical books and tomes to see if there was some way to jog your memory back.

How he would spend hours up until dawn, begging and writing letters to magicians across the world, all just to help you. Asra would try to help, but even he has lost hope for you. Nadia would offer the best things money can buy and her shoulder, but even she knows it won't be the same.

But Julian will never give up.

Even when you have fun with Portia, learn basic magic with Asra, talk with Nadia, he doesn't stop working. He won't stop working, not until you remember him or at least remember something.

Sometimes when night has fallen and everyone has gone to sleep, Julian paces the halls of the palace, his eye distant as he grasps the wedding ring that hangs on his neck. He had long removed the band on his finger, choosing to place it in a chain and wear it on his neck.

It was a painful memory, but a cherished one. It reminds him that he is yours, always be yours, even if you find someone else. The pain in his heart doesn't cease, and he doesn't stop working. The world will continue to turn but Julian Devorak will do anything to make it stop just for you.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

"Julian, what's that?"

He blinks eye focusing on the ring you were pointing to on his desk. He brought you over to his room, to try an ointment that was said to bring back your memories. As he worked, he didn't realize he brought it out and left it on the desk. 

"A ring," He says softly, picking it up and rolling it between his fingers. "It belonged to a very good friend," 

You notice the fondness in his voice, the almost dream-like gaze he has on it. It was the happiest you ever saw him so far. 

"I think it's very nice. Your friend must've had a good sense of taste," You offer.

He looks at you, his eye searching your gaze. It was always like that, searching. "You can have it." He says as he extends his hand towards you.

"No, that's fine," You say. "It belonged to your friend and I--"

But the words die in your throat when he moves his chair closer to yours, before gently taking your hand and slipping it on. It fit perfectly on your ring finger and he gives you a pained, smile. 

"My friend would love to know that you're wearing it,"


	3. Nadia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to follow/request any fanfics go over and send them on my tumblr! @arcana-more-likely-nadia-trash!! 
> 
> Plus since I finished this I am considering adding another set of 3 chapters (where there is a happy ending this time! But I'm not sure if I should still do it. Just shoot a comment and I will add 3 more chapters to this story but it's fluff!).

A Countess does not cry.

At least, that's what she thought. But you taught her it was okay to cry. That it was okay to feel, that it was okay to let your feelings out and that it wasn't weak. You brought her out of her tower, chipping away the walls that she spent years building, and when she gave you her heart, you never did anything to hurt it. You simply cradled it, took care of it.

You made her happy.

But all of that seemed so far away, so distant. As if all the memories she had with you happened a life time ago. As if they were nothing but a passing dream, and that it was all something she made up.

It hurt her, when she sat by your bedside, unable to do anything but to watch you. Refusing to move unless she needed to go to the bathroom. It hurt her when she watched you toss and turn in the bed or at times lay so still that she would crawl into the covers and place her head on your chest just to see if you were still breathing, if your heart was still beating.

When you woke up, the utter blankness in your gaze made her heart freeze. There was nothing in your gaze. The very person she loved had gone, leaving her with a husk of what once was.

The silence in that moment was suffocating. The way your eyes just look at her, glassy, blank, unmoving, sent chills down her spine. Gone was the gaze of adoration and love she saw from you.

This wasn’t the person she loved.

Before you could understand anything, the Countess rises from her chair, and swiftly walks out. The door making a soft click as it closes. You hear her footsteps grow farther and farther just like the feelings that circulated in your stomach.

Days have gone by since you last saw her.

Her trusted hand maiden, a small beautiful ginger named Portia, stayed with you most of the time. Talking about her day, helping you around. Her chatter was nice, it felt familiar almost.

Asra, the palace magician, would also join you both when you decide to venture around in the gardens or help Portia work. It was peaceful, happy even, but there were moments when Portia had to leave to attend other duties and Asra had to do the same, leaving you alone.

It wasn’t bad being alone.

You had free agency around the palace so you could easily walk around without being questioned. Occasionally you would bump into the many doctors who roam the palace halls, each of them giving you a kind smile, a sort of respect you don’t understand why it’s being given to you.

So instead of wandering the busy halls, you spent most of your time in the gardens. Tending to the flowers that grew along the path ways and occasionally venturing into the heart of it.

There was an aching sense of something there, of something missing. Memories you feel should be there, but not. An empty cave where you know things should be.

Who were you?

It was a question that grated against your nerves constantly. A pressing question you needed to find an answer to. But more importantly, you needed to know who you were to the Countess.

Portia would grow quiet when you ask her, Asra would just give you a smile that made your blood boil. Julian, one of the doctors and Portia’s brother, made very little remarks on it and those small remarks made no sense at all.

“Good friends,” That’s what everyone would say.

But 'good friends' don't do this for someone. Of course you suppose they can, but it doesn't explain the look she gives you when she does meet your gaze for a few moments if you do see each other.

Seaching. Wistful. Longing.

It made your heart clamp up in your chest and it just gave you a stronger drive to ask and to figure everything out. So you swore, that what ever happens you will figure out what happened, no matter how long it takes.

And you got your chance soon enough.

The Countess had summoned you to meet with her, much to your surprise. Portia was unnecessarily nervous, but she tried to hide it behind her bubbly attitude and her constant reassurances.

"You'll be fine," she said before you entered.

Seeing the Countess there, sitting by the organ a few soft gentle notes emanting from the instrument makes you feel at peace. The sound sends your heart racing. You know you saw this before, you heard this, you know this happened. Your mind lunges at the threads of familiarity, but it was slipping just as fast as it appeared.

"Have a seat, please," she says as she gestures to the empty chair.

You blink, before doing as your told, sinking into the lush velvet of the chair. Your eyes wander the chambers, and you can feel a certain tinge of familiarity with it. It was there just at the back of your mind, like a thin wisp of memory, a thin semblance of something from your past.

Something about you.

"You seem to have questions," She says slowly, her voice heavy. You perk up and quickly look at her. She looked ethereal, a goddess in the light of the dying sun. The tune from the organ still soft and gentle, like her voice.

You were utterly breathless.

"Are you alright?" She asks, and you feel your heart hammer in your chest. Something about the intensity in her gaze was making you feel things you can't name.

You nod, not trusting your voice. The tune...it was familiar, everything about this was familiar. The soft tune of the organ, the lovely smell of her rich perfume mixing with the smell of wine.

Wine.

"Wine," You say softly. A memory forms in your mind. It had something to do with people in the very same room. There were a few of them, but their voices were loud and there was someone there, someone who threw wine at you.

You must've have been deep in thought because it took you a few moments to realize that the Countess was calling your name.

"I'm sorry," You say as you look up at her with a sheepish smile. "I was just lost in thought,"

Her expression was soft and she hums, her fingers still gliding lightly over the keys. You can see the way her expression tightens, how hard she's fighting to display emotions. Her eyes were the opposite however, the disappointment clear and evident in them.

Silence descends between you both. It was suffocating to a degree, a tense cord in the air you feel like you had no hope of breaking. But you couldn't focus on it. No, your focus was on the notes the Countess was playing. Her attention shifts to the organ and you find yourself staring outside the window, watching as the sun's gentle rays lap at the parlour.

Everything about this scene screamed familiarity. The soft ambiance, the gentle music and the sweet flower scent that seemed to be the Countess' perfume. But what tied everything together was the song she played. It sounded so familiar, so soothing. The feeling it gave you seems to call you home. As if it was a smooth embrace in the arms of someone you love after a long time away.

"Countess, the song--,"

"Nadia,"

You pause, and your attention returns to the Countess who has a soft smile on her lips, melancholy dancing on her visage.

"You may call me, Nadia," She explains softly. Her attention still on the organ, a notalgic expression mixing with her melancholy. "But what was it that you were about to say?" She asks.

"The song," You say quietly watching as she plays. "You used to play it a lot right? It was your favourite song and--"

It was like a sudden burst. The way her expression just shifted from a well crafted mask to a look of utter shock and surprise. But it happened so fast you would have thought you imagined it if it wasn't for her finger slipping from the key, ending the song on a sour note.

Her expression shifts and you can see how her eyes well up with tears. Several emotions flicker on her face and you are unsure of what to do. The silence was unbearable and you can see her lower lip trembles.

You don't know what pushed you, but you reached out, a hand resting on her arm. She freezes at the contact and she opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Her eyes won't meet yours and you give her a small squeeze.

How could you know that she dreamed of holding you in her arms again? How could you know that she would hug the pillow that you used when you still slept beside her, burrowing her face into whatever remnants of you smell lingers. What words could she use to tell you that she wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with you?

How can she look at you when all she saw was a stranger?

"I'm.." Her voice falters and she manages to drag her eyes up to meet your own. The amount of raw emotion in them making your heart squeeze even tighter in your chest. "I apologize," She says with a faltering smile as she brings her free hand up to wipe a few tears from her eyes before placing it on top of yours. "A Countess must not cry,"

You frown, "Nadia it's okay to not be okay,"

"It's okay to not be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if you are reading this, watch out for an AI AU with the cast!


End file.
